The Paprikka » Around The World

Hillary Clinton Apparently Has a North Korean Stalker

A.P. — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 04:09:34 +0000

"I'm watching you, Hillary"

Seoul, Korea – Hillary Clinton found out something that she probably never wanted to find out when she visited the JSA (Joint Security Area) of the Korean peninsula. Apparently, Hillary Clinton has a stalker from the Communist neighbor of America’s most faithful ally. As the picture suggests, a certain soldier from the North Korean side gazed longingly at Secretary Clinton as she moved through the building as a part of a diplomatic exercise. There is no word yet on how Secretary Clinton has taken this news.

In other news, everything Kim Jong Il owns is Kim Jong Il’s, and everything the North Koreans owns is also Kim Jong Il’s, but what Kim Jong Il owns is not the North Koreans’. Following this perfectly clear logic, Hillary Clinton’s actual stalker turned out to be the Dear Leader himself.

Kanye Confirms Plans to Appear at Peace Prize Ceremony

A.P. — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:28:43 +0000

New York, NY – It is official: popular rapper Kanye West has confirmed his plans to appear at the Nobel Peace Prize Award Ceremony at Oslo in December. Kanye, under much criticism for his spontaneous disruption at the MTV Video Music Awards earlier this year, where he went up on stage and made clear his disappointment when Taylor Swift, not Beyonce, won the prize, is unfazed and plans to make himself be even more widely recognized by disrupting the Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony.

“You know this was a bullsh*t award,” said Kanye to The Paprikka, “Just like Taylor winning that award was bullsh*t. When I think something is bullsh*t, I tell everyone what I exactly think: that it’s bullsh*t!”

Kanye later apologized for using bullsh*t so many times and not using any rhymes in our interview.

Kanye also was grancious enough to share with us the exact wording of his outburst in Oslo.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna go up and be like ‘Yo! Obama, I’m happy for you, and Ima let you finish, but Yasser Arafat has the most bullsh*t Peace Prize of the century,’ and all the people are gonna be like ‘sheeeet did he just say that?’” said Kanye.

Following this announcement, the officials in Oslo are preparing for the worst.

“We are getting ready for anything,” said an official in the town hall, asking to be anonymous. “I mean, President Obama could start crying, right there! Or, someone could throw a shoe at Kanye, just like what the Iraqi journalist did to President Bush, and miss and hit President Obama! We must be ready for everything.”

As tension rises, the world awaits to see what will happen on this faithful day.

In other news, Kanye West has reportedly decided to go spend a month in India to meditate and become a calmer person.

Disclaimer: The above post does not necessarily reflect the author’s views. The author does not think the award was bullsh*t (although maybe premature), and would like to extend his congratulations to President Obama.

Wal-Mart Releases Its Newest Advertising Technique

A.P. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:52:13 +0000

Bentonville, AR – Wal-Mart today showed why it is such a successful corporation by offering—for the first time in history—an innovative moneymaking option that will advertise Wal-Mart to anyone engaging in conversations with these people. “In this economy, this gives Wal-Mart a chance to give the public an easy option to make those few extra dollars to keep their checkbooks balanced, while benefiting from an increased awareness of Wal-Mart,” the public relations director of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. told us. The way it works is quite simple. Anyone that signs up for this program must attach a bug, similar to the ones used to spy on people, to their body and keep it with them at all times to get credit for their work. At any point in their conversations, he may call out, “Brought to you by Wal-Mart,” and he will get 25 cent store credit, usable immediately. Although this seems like an easy way to make some easy money, its onset has brought on a multitude of criticisms. Some criticize that since you may only use the money as store credit, this simply a way to make customers come to Wal-Mart and only Wal-Mart. Some say that strict rules on getting credit for saying “Brought to you by Wal-Mart” such as the “160 second rule,” which states that you may only credit for it every 160 seconds, and another rule that states vaguely that you have to be in an active conversation to get credit may discourage customers enrolled in the program from benefitting from the program. Nevertheless, there are strong advocates for the program. “I love this program, I love Wal-Mart,” says a St. Stephen’s student Jay Sheth. “I love how I can get free money for saying… [Alarm Beeps] Oh, that’s my alarm to let me know 160 seconds have passed. Brought to you by Wal-Mart.” Although it may seem that Wal-Mart is doing a favor to those of us who are squeezing to make every dollar count, it will be apparent what a high cost Wal-Mart is causing our economy with its low prices.

In other news, there have been rumors that ExxonMobil is planning to counterbid Wal-Mart’s bid to acquire the SEC to avoid any more difficulties in dominating the world.

Americans Being Overcharged For Porn, Study Shows

A.P. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:51:38 +0000

Tokyo, Japan – A recent controversial study shows that due to the slow speeds and high prices of “high-speed” internet in America, the American youth are actually being overcharged for porn. A recent study done by the American Institute for personal Gratification, AIG for short, it shows that a normal youth in the ages between 18 and 26 has approximately 20 minutes a day to spend on watching pornography on average. In the more “internetically” developed parts of the world, such as South Korea and Japan, customers enjoy speeds of 100Mbps or 1Gbps. In simpler terms, if the user wants to download an exotic video with the quality of 512Kbps, which would be slightly less clear than a normal TV service, a user with a 100Mbps (costing about $30/month) internet would be able to download 200 seconds of such video in just one second, while the more fortunate user with 1Gbps (costing about $56.50) internet would be able to download 2,048 seconds of the video in one second. Meanwhile, Americans using Road Runner will have to pay $34.95 per month, bundled with other offers, to get a meager 5Mbps, max. With Road Runner, the American youth can only download 8 seconds of such video in one second. Because of the simple fact that it takes Americans longer to download such content from the internet, and due to the limited time allotted to the busy youth, it means that Americans are being overcharged over 20 times in comparison to the youth in Korea and Japan. “This is unacceptable, and I hope the Federal Government does something about it to stop overcharging for an inalienable right of the American youth,” said the Director of AIG.

In other news, statistics show 69% of the users using GOM Player, a popular Korean video player, has been found to be using it to watch porn, while 15% use it to watch Starcraft matches.

Google Buys CIA, In Bid for FBI

A.P. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:50:50 +0000

Mountain View, CA – Google Inc. has amazed the humankind by finalizing a deal that will see Google become the most intelligent private organization in the world by completing the takeover of the Central Intelligence Agency, while simultaneously pursuing its desires to acquire the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Also, rumors say that should the Federal Government intervene, fearing violation of anti-trust laws, Google plans to buy out the government as well. Mr. Schmidt, the Chief Executive Officer of Google Inc., refused to comment on this momentous occasion, fearing more controversy. However, a former member of the board, who resigned while dissenting with the decision, released some more information about what this takeover could mean. “This will completely change the future of humankind,” she said. “Google is innately a search engine company—of course it won’t keep the information for itself! On the contrary, Google will list all, and I mean all, of the intelligence gathered by the CIA and FBI on the internet.” In short, there will be changes on Google’s current web site; in addition to sections such as Web, Images, and Map, there will be a new section—first to be introduced in “Google Labs,” its way of trying out new features—called “Intelligence.” Already, the news of this move has created both excitement and fear. “I’m tremendously excited, because I’ve always believed that our government had already made contact with extraterrestrial life, with the Area 51 and anti-matter propulsion drive and whatnot, and now it will be confirmed!”, said a photographer in Austin, TX. Of course, there are plenty of fears. “Some things are kept confidential because they will cause massive public hysteria,” said Adam Patch, a student in Columbia University. “I believe that sometimes, unfortunately, ignorance is bliss, and making the sensitive intelligence available to everyone in the world will cause more harm than good.”

In other news, a businessman from Abu Dhabi told our sources that should Google successfully complete these takeovers, he is considering a bid of thirty quadrillion US dollars for Google and its new acquirements.