I WANT MY BABY FOR BREAKFAST
Concepción, Chile – Paraguay has recently captured worldwide attention for not only their outstanding performance at the World Cup, reaching the quarterfinals, but also for their No. 1 fan, Larissa Riquelme, who promised to streak naked on the streets of Bueno Aires if Paraguay somehow won the World Cup. Everybody knows that Paraguay did not, in fact, win the World Cup this year, but she kept the “promise” to pose naked for everyone (Viewer Discretion Advised) anyways. Most recently, however, Paraguay has captured the attention of the world in a completely different way. In the second division Paraguayan league match between Rangers and Deportivo Concepción, Rangers defender Jose Pedrozo snapped when the referee Marcelo Miranda presented him with a yellow card, and proceeded to strangle him WWE style. Somehow, the referee kept his cool 100% and simply presented him a red card. Incredibly, the response from Pedrozo was that he will retire from all football, and the referee decided not to press any charges. The Paprikka decided to talk to Mr. Pedrozo directly to figure out what exactly happened on the pitch that day. For the interview, we decided that for a maniac like Mr. Pedrozo, the only person fit for the job was none other than Joey Barton. (If you do not know who Joey Barton is, check this or this Studs Up comic out.) Here is the transcript of the interview:
Joey Barton: Nice to meet you, um, Mr. Pedrozo. Let me introduce myself. My name is Joey Barton and I eat babies for breakfast. Thank you so much for agreeing to the interview.
Jose Pedrozo: No, no, the pleasure is all mine. It’s great to finally meet the legend in person.
JB: A legend? Haha, no. I did not have the guts to strangle the referee that gave ME a red card! So, tell me, what was going through your head when you decided to strangle the referee?
JP: Well, you see, I had become quite dissatisfied with my football career. I was still stuck in second division without much to show for my troubles. So I decided a change was necessary. I wanted to create a new sport where unnecessary violence on the football pitch was just a part of the game. You know what I mean, Joey, you’ve done so much yourself to bridge the gap between professional wrestling and football! The cigarette butt incident was a classic.
JB: Well maybe so, but if this was your intention, why did you act so weak and sorry after the incident?
JP: Ah, Joey, that’s where you and I differ! Why do you think you ended up in jail for knocking the lights out of that guy, but I ended up not being charged with anything? You must learn humility before you can achieve bigger and better things.
JB: Do you think humility will get me into the England squad?
JP: Do you still planning on taking Fabio Capello’s snarky Italian glasses and shoving it up his ass?
JB: Why yes!
JP: *Sigh*
JB: Well that’s all the time we have for today Mr. Pedozo. Thank you so much and I hope to cross swords with you one day.
JP: Indeed, Mr. Bart… wait. EW.
In other news, Joey Barton actually thinks he’s good enough for the England squad. Haha, what an idiot. Oh wait, REALLY?