Mountain View, CA – Google Inc. has amazed the humankind by finalizing a deal that will see Google become the most intelligent private organization in the world by completing the takeover of the Central Intelligence Agency, while simultaneously pursuing its desires to acquire the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Also, rumors say that should the Federal Government intervene, fearing violation of anti-trust laws, Google plans to buy out the government as well. Mr. Schmidt, the Chief Executive Officer of Google Inc., refused to comment on this momentous occasion, fearing more controversy. However, a former member of the board, who resigned while dissenting with the decision, released some more information about what this takeover could mean. “This will completely change the future of humankind,” she said. “Google is innately a search engine company—of course it won’t keep the information for itself! On the contrary, Google will list all, and I mean all, of the intelligence gathered by the CIA and FBI on the internet.” In short, there will be changes on Google’s current web site; in addition to sections such as Web, Images, and Map, there will be a new section—first to be introduced in “Google Labs,” its way of trying out new features—called “Intelligence.” Already, the news of this move has created both excitement and fear. “I’m tremendously excited, because I’ve always believed that our government had already made contact with extraterrestrial life, with the Area 51 and anti-matter propulsion drive and whatnot, and now it will be confirmed!”, said a photographer in Austin, TX. Of course, there are plenty of fears. “Some things are kept confidential because they will cause massive public hysteria,” said Adam Patch, a student in Columbia University. “I believe that sometimes, unfortunately, ignorance is bliss, and making the sensitive intelligence available to everyone in the world will cause more harm than good.”
In other news, a businessman from Abu Dhabi told our sources that should Google successfully complete these takeovers, he is considering a bid of thirty quadrillion US dollars for Google and its new acquirements.