|
|
 "I'm watching you, Hillary" Seoul, Korea – Hillary Clinton found out something that she probably never wanted to find out when she visited the JSA (Joint Security Area) of the Korean peninsula. Apparently, Hillary Clinton has a stalker from the Communist neighbor of America’s most faithful ally. As the picture suggests, a certain soldier from the North Korean side gazed longingly at Secretary Clinton as she moved through the building as a part of a diplomatic exercise. There is no word yet on how Secretary Clinton has taken this news.
In other news, everything Kim Jong Il owns is Kim Jong Il’s, and everything the North Koreans owns is also Kim Jong Il’s, but what Kim Jong Il owns is not the North Koreans’. Following this perfectly clear logic, Hillary Clinton’s actual stalker turned out to be the Dear Leader himself.
 I WANT MY BABY FOR BREAKFAST Concepción, Chile – Paraguay has recently captured worldwide attention for not only their outstanding performance at the World Cup, reaching the quarterfinals, but also for their No. 1 fan, Larissa Riquelme, who promised to streak naked on the streets of Bueno Aires if Paraguay somehow won the World Cup. Everybody knows that Paraguay did not, in fact, win the World Cup this year, but she kept the “promise” to pose naked for everyone (Viewer Discretion Advised) anyways. Most recently, however, Paraguay has captured the attention of the world in a completely different way. In the second division Paraguayan league match between Rangers and Deportivo Concepción, Rangers defender Jose Pedrozo snapped when the referee Marcelo Miranda presented him with a yellow card, and proceeded to strangle him WWE style. Somehow, the referee kept his cool 100% and simply presented him a red card. Incredibly, the response from Pedrozo was that he will retire from all football, and the referee decided not to press any charges. The Paprikka decided to talk to Mr. Pedrozo directly to figure out what exactly happened on the pitch that day. For the interview, we decided that for a maniac like Mr. Pedrozo, the only person fit for the job was none other than Joey Barton. (If you do not know who Joey Barton is, check this or this Studs Up comic out.) Here is the transcript of the interview:
Joey Barton: Nice to meet you, um, Mr. Pedrozo. Let me introduce myself. My name is Joey Barton and I eat babies for breakfast. Thank you so much for agreeing to the interview.
Jose Pedrozo: No, no, the pleasure is all mine. It’s great to finally meet the legend in person.
JB: A legend? Haha, no. I did not have the guts to strangle the referee that gave ME a red card! So, tell me, what was going through your head when you decided to strangle the referee?
JP: Well, you see, I had become quite dissatisfied with my football career. I was still stuck in second division without much to show for my troubles. So I decided a change was necessary. I wanted to create a new sport where unnecessary violence on the football pitch was just a part of the game. You know what I mean, Joey, you’ve done so much yourself to bridge the gap between professional wrestling and football! The cigarette butt incident was a classic.
JB: Well maybe so, but if this was your intention, why did you act so weak and sorry after the incident?
JP: Ah, Joey, that’s where you and I differ! Why do you think you ended up in jail for knocking the lights out of that guy, but I ended up not being charged with anything? You must learn humility before you can achieve bigger and better things.
JB: Do you think humility will get me into the England squad?
JP: Do you still planning on taking Fabio Capello’s snarky Italian glasses and shoving it up his ass?
JB: Why yes!
JP: *Sigh*
JB: Well that’s all the time we have for today Mr. Pedozo. Thank you so much and I hope to cross swords with you one day.
JP: Indeed, Mr. Bart… wait. EW.
In other news, Joey Barton actually thinks he’s good enough for the England squad. Haha, what an idiot. Oh wait, REALLY?
 Paul the Octopus has successfully predicted all of the matches that he has been asked to predict. Berlin, Germany – Paul the Octopus, the sensational octopus who has correctly predicted the outcomes of all seven of Germany’s matches as well as the final of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, has risen to notoriety recently. Some, mostly the German fans and the Dutch fans, want to kill the damn octopus, while others, such as the Prime Minister of Spain, want to do anything to protect its enchanted life. The Paprikka has recently had the opportunity to conduct an exclusive interview with this supposedly magical being. We sent Raymond Domenech, who famously led the French national team to its spectacular demise to its deserved place in the sewers, to interview Paul the Octopus.
Domenech: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Paul.
Paul: Likewise, Raymond. I’ve heard a lot about you.
D: Oh, really? What did you think about my performances in this World Cup?
P: (Silently points at the uneaten, spoiled mussels lying in three different acryl boxes with the French flag)
D: Moving on, if I may ask, what is your secret? How did you correctly predict so many of these matches?
P: It was easy! You know, I just picked the team that Pele didn’t pick.
D: Uhh… that’s not that special, then.
P: Uhh… neither is leading a team full of stars such as Evra, Ribery, and Henry out of the group stages. Oh, wait.
D: Wait a minute, but Pele picked Spain to win against the Netherlands! But you also picked Spain…
P: For that match, let’s just say that the flag looked prettier… or maybe there was something more to it. I don’t remember.
D: Well, thanks for your time anyways, Paul. Any last words for the readers?
P: France sucks donkey dick.
D; Well, then.
In other news, the North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il has asked that Paul the Octopus be extradited to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea for crimes against its people. It is unclear what crime he is referring to, but it has been suggested that Kim, a major shareholder at Burlington Coat Factory, also enjoys bestiality.
Dear the people and the fans of the Netherlands,
In my last post, I wrongly assumed and predicted that the Netherlands would be beaten by Brazil, and poked fun at how easy their matches have been so far.
I was sorely wrong, as I was proven tonight. For that I apologize, and I wish the Oranje the best of luck in the rest of the tournament.
Still, Spain is better.
-AP
 Happy now, but probably not on Friday. Johannesburg, South Africa- The Oranje, the national football team of the Netherlands, will most likely be going home after their game this Friday as they were drawn against the perpetual favorites, Brazil. Brazil showed their class in their last game against Chile by dominating the game 3-0, with Juan, Luis Fabiano, and Robinho each grabbing a fine goal. The Netherlands, while they played well, only managed to beat Slovakia, who were on a surprise appearance in the Round of 16, 2-1. If the Netherlands are to have a good chance of defeating Brazil, they should probably turn to the Uruguayan refree Jorge Larrionda, who famously refused to recognize Frank Lampard’s amazing chip shot, when it had clearly crossed the line. All in all, there is little hope for the Dutch to progress onto the semifinals.
As a result, the Netherlands team has already started making excuses for their imminent exit from the World Cup. Some, like the manager Van Marwijk, have complained that the Oranje has experienced one of the unluckiest draws in the history, and it should be considered a major achievement that they got even this far. Here are the teams that the Oranje had to play in order to get this far in the competition:
2010 World Cup Qualifiers
Group 9
1. Netherlands
2. Norway
3. Scotland
4.Macedonia
5. Iceland
2010 World Cup Final Tournament
Group E
1. Netherlands
2. Japan
3. Denmark
4. Cameroon
Round of 16
Netherlands v Slovakia
Quarterfinals
Netherlands v Brazil
Many sympathize with the manager saying that he has done really well guiding the team this far; obviously, Brazil is not the first real challenge that the Oranje has had to face.
“We should be proud,” said the random guy we found looking for action in the red light district of Amsterdam. “I was obviously too busy to follow the World Cup in earnest, but when the team comes back, they will receive a heroes’ welcome.”
In another news, North Korean national team will face spankings from the Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il after they failed to progress from by far the easiest group in the World Cup, which included Brazil, Portugal, and Cote d’Ivoire.
Mountain View, CA-Google has brought on a major trauma in the ISP industry by announcing its official launch of the Google TiSP division. Google TiSP is a free high-speed broadband access service using existing plumbing infrastructure in the customers’ homes. Originally an April’s Fool joke, Google TiSP had gained worldwide reputation for being revolutionary in theory but hilariously stupid in practice. However, technology has evolved so much in the last three years that it has become technologically feasible to make Google TiSP a reality.
“This is one of the greatest advances in the history of internet,” said Stephen Prashner, the newly-appointed head of the Google TiSP division. “Our services will bring a free, high-speed internet to literally everyone with a toilet in their homes.”
Although TiSP has been met with some skepticism, the idea of a widely-available free broadband internet has crashed several ISP’s stocks, most notably Comcast. Comcast stocks, which were selling for about $15 a stock, has crashed to the value it deserves, namely about $0.15 per stock.
Google is no newcomer to crashing other companies’ stocks. Earlier this year, with the launch of Android 2.0 and its free turn-by-turn navigation system, Google made a significant dent to Garmin and TomTom’s stocks.
It will be interesting to see what other kinds of smelly but free ideas Google will be able to cook up in their fortress in Mountain View, California.
In other news, plumbers around the U.S. are worried that they will now have to learn skill in broadband installation following the announcement of the Google TiSP division.
New York, NY – It is official: popular rapper Kanye West has confirmed his plans to appear at the Nobel Peace Prize Award Ceremony at Oslo in December. Kanye, under much criticism for his spontaneous disruption at the MTV Video Music Awards earlier this year, where he went up on stage and made clear his disappointment when Taylor Swift, not Beyonce, won the prize, is unfazed and plans to make himself be even more widely recognized by disrupting the Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony.
“You know this was a bullsh*t award,” said Kanye to The Paprikka, “Just like Taylor winning that award was bullsh*t. When I think something is bullsh*t, I tell everyone what I exactly think: that it’s bullsh*t!”
Kanye later apologized for using bullsh*t so many times and not using any rhymes in our interview.
Kanye also was grancious enough to share with us the exact wording of his outburst in Oslo.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna go up and be like ‘Yo! Obama, I’m happy for you, and Ima let you finish, but Yasser Arafat has the most bullsh*t Peace Prize of the century,’ and all the people are gonna be like ‘sheeeet did he just say that?’” said Kanye.
Following this announcement, the officials in Oslo are preparing for the worst.
“We are getting ready for anything,” said an official in the town hall, asking to be anonymous. “I mean, President Obama could start crying, right there! Or, someone could throw a shoe at Kanye, just like what the Iraqi journalist did to President Bush, and miss and hit President Obama! We must be ready for everything.”
As tension rises, the world awaits to see what will happen on this faithful day.
In other news, Kanye West has reportedly decided to go spend a month in India to meditate and become a calmer person.
Disclaimer: The above post does not necessarily reflect the author’s views. The author does not think the award was bullsh*t (although maybe premature), and would like to extend his congratulations to President Obama.
Bentonville, AR – Wal-Mart today showed why it is such a successful corporation by offering—for the first time in history—an innovative moneymaking option that will advertise Wal-Mart to anyone engaging in conversations with these people. “In this economy, this gives Wal-Mart a chance to give the public an easy option to make those few extra dollars to keep their checkbooks balanced, while benefiting from an increased awareness of Wal-Mart,” the public relations director of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. told us. The way it works is quite simple. Anyone that signs up for this program must attach a bug, similar to the ones used to spy on people, to their body and keep it with them at all times to get credit for their work. At any point in their conversations, he may call out, “Brought to you by Wal-Mart,” and he will get 25 cent store credit, usable immediately. Although this seems like an easy way to make some easy money, its onset has brought on a multitude of criticisms. Some criticize that since you may only use the money as store credit, this simply a way to make customers come to Wal-Mart and only Wal-Mart. Some say that strict rules on getting credit for saying “Brought to you by Wal-Mart” such as the “160 second rule,” which states that you may only credit for it every 160 seconds, and another rule that states vaguely that you have to be in an active conversation to get credit may discourage customers enrolled in the program from benefitting from the program. Nevertheless, there are strong advocates for the program. “I love this program, I love Wal-Mart,” says a St. Stephen’s student Jay Sheth. “I love how I can get free money for saying… [Alarm Beeps] Oh, that’s my alarm to let me know 160 seconds have passed. Brought to you by Wal-Mart.” Although it may seem that Wal-Mart is doing a favor to those of us who are squeezing to make every dollar count, it will be apparent what a high cost Wal-Mart is causing our economy with its low prices.
In other news, there have been rumors that ExxonMobil is planning to counterbid Wal-Mart’s bid to acquire the SEC to avoid any more difficulties in dominating the world.
Tokyo, Japan – A recent controversial study shows that due to the slow speeds and high prices of “high-speed” internet in America, the American youth are actually being overcharged for porn. A recent study done by the American Institute for personal Gratification, AIG for short, it shows that a normal youth in the ages between 18 and 26 has approximately 20 minutes a day to spend on watching pornography on average. In the more “internetically” developed parts of the world, such as South Korea and Japan, customers enjoy speeds of 100Mbps or 1Gbps. In simpler terms, if the user wants to download an exotic video with the quality of 512Kbps, which would be slightly less clear than a normal TV service, a user with a 100Mbps (costing about $30/month) internet would be able to download 200 seconds of such video in just one second, while the more fortunate user with 1Gbps (costing about $56.50) internet would be able to download 2,048 seconds of the video in one second. Meanwhile, Americans using Road Runner will have to pay $34.95 per month, bundled with other offers, to get a meager 5Mbps, max. With Road Runner, the American youth can only download 8 seconds of such video in one second. Because of the simple fact that it takes Americans longer to download such content from the internet, and due to the limited time allotted to the busy youth, it means that Americans are being overcharged over 20 times in comparison to the youth in Korea and Japan. “This is unacceptable, and I hope the Federal Government does something about it to stop overcharging for an inalienable right of the American youth,” said the Director of AIG.
In other news, statistics show 69% of the users using GOM Player, a popular Korean video player, has been found to be using it to watch porn, while 15% use it to watch Starcraft matches.
Mountain View, CA – Google Inc. has amazed the humankind by finalizing a deal that will see Google become the most intelligent private organization in the world by completing the takeover of the Central Intelligence Agency, while simultaneously pursuing its desires to acquire the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Also, rumors say that should the Federal Government intervene, fearing violation of anti-trust laws, Google plans to buy out the government as well. Mr. Schmidt, the Chief Executive Officer of Google Inc., refused to comment on this momentous occasion, fearing more controversy. However, a former member of the board, who resigned while dissenting with the decision, released some more information about what this takeover could mean. “This will completely change the future of humankind,” she said. “Google is innately a search engine company—of course it won’t keep the information for itself! On the contrary, Google will list all, and I mean all, of the intelligence gathered by the CIA and FBI on the internet.” In short, there will be changes on Google’s current web site; in addition to sections such as Web, Images, and Map, there will be a new section—first to be introduced in “Google Labs,” its way of trying out new features—called “Intelligence.” Already, the news of this move has created both excitement and fear. “I’m tremendously excited, because I’ve always believed that our government had already made contact with extraterrestrial life, with the Area 51 and anti-matter propulsion drive and whatnot, and now it will be confirmed!”, said a photographer in Austin, TX. Of course, there are plenty of fears. “Some things are kept confidential because they will cause massive public hysteria,” said Adam Patch, a student in Columbia University. “I believe that sometimes, unfortunately, ignorance is bliss, and making the sensitive intelligence available to everyone in the world will cause more harm than good.”
In other news, a businessman from Abu Dhabi told our sources that should Google successfully complete these takeovers, he is considering a bid of thirty quadrillion US dollars for Google and its new acquirements.
|
|
